So y’all don’t like Cheesecake Factory?

If you’ve yet to come across the viral First Date video, I suggest you take a few minutes to watch this interaction between Jay & Alicia. Jay – a traditional man from India – was denied the opportunity to take his date Alicia – a modern woman from America – to his favorite restaurant, The Cheesecake Factory.

So, what’s so bad about The Cheesecake Factory? Well that’s a good question. Many people LOVE The Cheesecake Factory, but my girlfriend gave me a perspective recently that might shed some light on the real issue: EVERYBODY – especially the more ‘ratchet’ groups of girls – loves the cheesecake factory, according to boujee women who don’t want to be associated with ‘everybody’, ‘average’, or seemingly “low-status” individuals.

ACCEPT THE AVERAGE

Both Jay and Alicia desire a partner that they perceive to be above-average, whether they actually are or not.

Like Alicia – a typical boujee black boss babe who lives with the delusion that her disassociation from the ‘average black woman’ will further distinguish her as a high-status queen – the entitled woman will reject social encounters that could ‘tarnish her value’ by association or proximity. “The Cheesecake Factory, y’all? This is a chain restaurant”. This is a woman who would say, “I AM the Table” after you ask her what she brings to it. Her intentions are clear as day and she has no interest in earning any of what she’s asking for. It’s unfortunate that Jay didn’t immediately pick up on this, if even at all.

Like Jay – an inexperienced lover-boy who believes that money will buy happiness; who’s invested enough time into his work, but not into his own self-esteem, self-respect or social skills – the aspiring man will also use proximity to money or lifestyle to give the impression that he is of high social status and demand.

Both Alicia and Jay present themselves as though they are not so average, when it’s the opposite that is true. They are both very average playing the above-average game. If they both showed up with humility and honesty, I’m sure they would have shown each other an unforgettable time. Unfortunately, when people aspire to be above average, but aren’t willing to put in the work to actually become exceptional, they’ll demand more respect from other people than they are willing to give themselves.

 

DEMANDING RESPECT

Alicia was expecting Jay to treat her like she was the prize. Not initially realizing his own value, Jay came prepared to do just that. Because he sees her as the prize, he tolerated her tardiness, lack of trust, and disrespect. He genuinely wanted to show her that she could receive special treatment even if it wasn’t earned or deserved after she disrespected him, proving she didn’t even deserve the first date. That’s where you messed up Jay. Sorry, buddy. Since Jay already had her up on a pedestal, she wanted to stay there.

She most certainly lost respect for him after he stayed [in the parking lot of her and her roommate’s apartment] for nearly an hour. Guys, don’t do this. If you can’t respect yourself, then you can’t expect a woman to respect you in your place.

Jay had given her the impression AND expressed that he goes above, beyond, and out of his way, which seemed like something he’ll continue to do. To a woman that desires the finer things, that poses a challenge: “He surely doesn’t respect himself, and probably sees me the way I’ve wished people would, so how far could I go?”, she probably thought.

The moment a man demands respect, especially from himself aside from others, that’s when his value grows. How often women respect you depends solely on your ability to respect yourself. When you seem to be lacking in the realm of self-respect, you’re bound to be put on the dissecting table so she can see what you’re really made of. So, in comes the shit test.

 

THE SHIT TEST

For two average individuals who wish to enhance their perceived value, something’s gotta give. Jay wants a partner who can accept his kindness and resources in place of his lacking social skills, though he still surprisingly overcomes his own lack of confidence. Alicia wants a partner who can increase her [perceived] value.

The easiest way to vet whether respect is present in a relationship, regardless of form, is to introduce a shit test. When a woman in conflicted about what she wants and what she has, she will put you in situations to stretch you to see if, when, and where you’ll break. This is called a shit test. Are you going to bend for her and if so, how far? Are you going to treat her like the queen she wishes she was, or are you going to be the king she wishes she had. Only in rare cases can you actually do both.

It took a while for this to click, and eventually it clicked. Jay was willing to pay to play; to pay for her, but not at the cost of his self-respect. So, good job for standing up for yourself Jay. Seriously, well-done. But I’m still left to wonder, had the camera not been rolling, would he have caved in? The camera seems to be his only form of accountability, because he surely seems to lack self-accountability.

In the first date video, Jay displays stoicism, maturity, self-respect, dignity, accountability, and a low tolerance to bullshit. He passes the shit test, shifting her perception of him slightly in his favor. But it doesn’t hold up. Passing the first test doesn’t imply that you truly know the material. So while he passed the first fourth test with flying colors, he’s still averaging 50% in the entire class.

The Shit Tests:

1. Does he have the confidence to approach? PASS
2. Does he value his time? If I show up an hour late to the date, will he show self-respect and walk away? FAIL
3. I want protection but don’t trust others to protect me. I’m independent & can do it myself. Will he take responsibility? FAIL
4. Can he take control over the relationship, or will he allow me to be the leader and call the shots? PASS

 

So, was Cheesecake Factory REALLY the issue? Nope. No, it wasn’t, because when a woman is really into you, she’s into you no matter where you go. When a woman is using you, you’re going to have to show up on her terms, not yours. And, even when you do everything right, she’s going to challenge you left and right, and passing her ‘Shit Tests’ is the only way she’ll compromise, but you’ll certainly be tested first, and several times.

Each time you pass a shit test (assuming you’re dealing with an individual who still needs healing, maturing, or some amount of self-assessment), your partner becomes more open to trusting you and following your leadership. That means she’d be more open to going to The Cheesecake Factory with you because she sees more value in you than she does the place(s) you’re choosing to take her. When she sees more value in the places you take her, then whether you have value or not could be irrelevant. So to avoid this obstacle in the future, it’s better to show up to the date with already-perceived value.

 

INCREASING YOUR VALUE

Although I plan to write an entire entry on this subject, I’m going to leave you with 50 practical ways you can increase your value BEFORE the first date so that you’re not left using the first date to prove that you have any.

100 Practical Ways To Increase Your Value (for Men – w.i.p)

• Distinguish yourself from boys so that you’re seen as a man [watch the reel]
  1. You have plenty you could complain or gossip about. Don’t.
  2. Stop falling in love by accident. Understand that love is a choice.
  3. Choose to love everyone, even your enemies both on and offline.
  4. Find healing and happiness in being alone. Don’t rely on others for your positive emotions.
  5. Learn to respond to situations intellectually and logically. Take emotion out of your reactions.
  6. Be honest with yourself and others at ALL times despite the consequences. No white or grey lies.
  7. Prioritize your responsibilities even if they aren’t immediately beneficial to you.
  8. Hold other men accountable even when it risks business relationships or friendship.
  9. Analyze, Acknowledge, Understand and Communicate your needs.
  10. Proactively watch for potential danger, harm, or damage done to others.
• Your father or father figure should have taught you these [watch the reel]
  1. Respect all women, not just the women you like
  2. Learn how to drive backwards, change a flat and fix minor car issues.
  3. Build your own business and manage multiple streams of income.
  4. Learn how to listen and communicate more effectively.
  5. Understand that being a gentleman is a way of life, not special treatment.
  6. Build intentional, productive, platonic relationships with women of varying ages.
  7. Learn how to handle loss, disappointment and rejection.
  8. Set and accomplish small, realistic goals every single day.
  9. Take care of the tools designed to protect you. Change your smoke detector battery.
  10. Get serious about budgeting and stick to it even if it means passing up on a night out.
• Increase your income working from home or remote [watch the reel]
  1. Get comfortable creating content putting your skills on display to the public
  2. Give real value to your audience by sharing insight or ‘how-to’s’ without holding back information
  3. Compare yourself and your branding to that of leaders in your industry
  4. Build a website and web presence to put your credentials, services, or portfolio on display
  5. Develop high-quality, cohesive branding (book a professional photoshoot) across your social media
  6. Offer paid subscriptions to give your followers access to high-quality resources or exclusive video classes
  7. Offer consultations to people who are willing to pay to learn directly from you
  8. Create a small course or e-book, outlining how you’ve practically accomplished something hard to achieve
  9. Always get referrals from your paid customers, clients and students for more customers, clients and students
  10. Give a kick-back incentive to people who have helped you get more business
• 10 things every man should learn to help enhance HER sex life [watch the reel]
  1. Protect Her Health
     • Trim your nails, wash your hands, clean your beard, brush your teeth and shower with unscented soaps.
  2. Setting the Mood
     • Open up her senses with candles, ambient colored lighting, a low-volume curated playlist and fruit + chocolates.
  3. Participate Thoroughly
     • Appreciate her attire, help her undress, then join her in the shower before and/or after and help wash her body and her sheets (or just buy an intimacy blanket).
  4. Pregame and Prepare
     • Make the time to converse over wine, then loosen her up with oil and a thorough, but GENTLE massage.
  5. Initiate Non-sexual Intimacy
     • Focus first on soft, GENTLE full-body contact using your hands, feet, chest, face and lips from her scalp to her soles.
  6. The Tortoise Technique
     • Your tip is larger, stronger and more durable than hers. Learn to be precise, but soft, slow, consistent and GENTLE. I can’t stress how important it is to be gentle. You don’t want to get her too sore, too soon. The goal is to make the experience last for 45 minutes to an hour. If you play your cards right, you could create an unforgettable two hour experience. Maybe put on a silent movie on a low light setting to see if you’re moving too fast. This much slower, gentler approach should occur at least once quarterly if you and your partner are in a serious relationship and sexual growth and comfort is important to her.
  7. Reward Spontaneity
     • Indirectly remind her that you’re equally attracted to her natural qualities like stubble, hair-growth and sweat.
  8. Audible Reinforcement
     • Give real-time feedback so she’s not stuck in negative thoughts about how she looks, smells, feels, tastes, or sounds.
  9. Don’t Switch Up Too Soon
     • Before you try something new or focus solely on your own pleasure, take some dedicated time to let her enjoy a skill you have that she’s recently complimented you on. Even if she only gave a verbal cue, such as a moan, take that as a compliment and try to continue doing the exact movement with the exact pressure that you’re doing at the time of the cue. It doesn’t hurt to actually ask for feedback to make certain you understand what’s working or how the particular motion or position is stimulating her.
  10. It’s Not Personal
      • It’s lubricant. That doesn’t imply that her lack of natural lubricant is a reflection of her attraction to you. If she needs it, use it. Also encourage her to stay hydrated throughout the day if you know you’ll have an engagement later in the evening.
  11. (Bonus) Edging the Yard
      • It may take more time to edge your yard (we’re talking about riding out on the edge of a climax here – for as long as you can), but it will look [feel] much better when it’s [you’re] done. Practice edging to give her more complete experiences. Think of it like this: Thirty (10) seconds of edging for her might be the equivalent of one (3) second of edging for you. Can you edge for Five (5) minutes straight?
• 10 practical ways to become more desirable and attract a mature partner (Self-Growth) [watch the reel]
  1. Self-Respect
     • Delete the numbers of people who wronged you and never made amends
  2. Self-Awareness
     • Do real research about your deep emotions, preferences and desires
  3. Self-Assessment
     • Evaluate your failures then acknowledge the improvements needed
  4. Self-Accountability
     • Take responsibility for your contribution to the situations you’re in
  5. Self-Acceptance
     • Try using comedy when addressing the things you dislike about yourself
  6. Self-Care
     • Eve if it’s the bare-minimum, physically challenge your body three times daily
  7. Self-Esteem
     • Get around people who appreciate, respect you, and see you as a leader
  8. Self-Efficacy
     • Enhance your belief in yourself by dismantling big goals into tiny pieces
  9. Self-Love*
     • It starts with decisions. Eliminate not deciding and indecisiveness. * Indecision = inability to decide. No decision = no action. 
  10. Self-Discipline
      • Set smaller, easier to accomplish goals on a half-hour / hourly basis
  11. (Bonus) Self-Actualization
      • Recognize your accomplishments with an appealing vision board.
  12. (Overview) Self-Worth
      • Desirability is a direct reflection of your ability to make decisions that result in goal-achievement
• 12 signs you’re an emotionally mature partner [watch the reel]
  1. You display calmness in challenging situations
  2. You say what you mean and mean what you say
  3. You don’t say anything at all when you can’t add value to a conversation
  4. You don’t confuse challenges as threats (and vice versa)
  5. Apart from making someone feel safe, you do what it takes to make sure they ARE safe
  6. You take responsibility for your own actions and learn from them
  7. You take the time to know what you are (and aren’t) ready for
  8. You’re capable of and understand the value of introspection
  9. You put their needs first, not necessarily their desires
  10. You’re patient and live daily with delayed gratification
  11. You’re inspired by the strength and success of others, not intimidated by it
  12. You live alignment with your identity, not as who you unrealistically with you could be
• 36 practical ways to enhance your lifestyle (and the perception of it from others)
  1. Sit in the passenger seat of your car. How does your car look from the perspective of your date? What should you change?
  2. Put all of your shirts on hangers, color-coded from white to black to ‘roygbiv’, then do the same for dress shirts and outerwear.
  3. Buy one to two extra sheet sets and pillow covers. Consider changing your sheets out every quarter. Set a reminder if needed.
  4. Use air fresheners and candles throughout your home, preferably a scent that’s in season, and stick to one scent in larger, open spaces.
  5. Declutter and trash or donate anything you’ve held onto that holds no real, sentimental, or long-term value, including shoes.
  6. Find a single aesthetic for your home (whether it be by pinterest or an interior design mag) and stick to it.
  7. Use a steamer on your clothes every day before you go out in public.
  8. Set one alarm to wake up to, then keep your phone walking distance from your bed to force yourself out of bed when you wake up. Make your bed every morning before grabbing your phone and disabling your alarm.
  9. Clean your toilet, sink, tub and shower thoroughly once monthly with scrubbing bubbles foaming spray.
  10. Use a roomba on hardwood and vacuum your carpeted floors every other Thursday or once weekly.
  11. Clean your fridge and freezer down to the very last crumb. Get rid of every outdated perishable in your kitchen.
  12. Curate matching dish sets in all your cabinets. Rinse each dish after each use and make an effort to keep dirty dishes out of the sink.
  13. Keep your garbage disposal lubricated (with water – no oils) and make sure your appliances and cabinet doors are cleaned consistently.
  14. To be determined.. Your input here

This is a community-driven list. It’s your turn to add something to the list. Direct message me on instagram @901CoryOwens and share your top 10 suggestions for how men can enhance their lifestyle with small, daily, disciplines.

These disciplines should indirectly impact the success of your first dates. Now all you have to decide is where to go and who to take.

We’ll talk more about social skills in another write-up. For now, let’s focus on making a decision.

* Indecision = inability to decide. No decision = no action. 

I know that some of you have a hard time deciding what to do on a first date.

That’s why I’ve put together a list of places in Memphis you can go on a first date depending on the type of woman you’re taking out. Soon, I’ll create some content to help you better understand what type of woman you’re dealing with (or what type of woman you are at the moment – no shame), and how to curate the most optimal first date based solely on this information.

 

Follow along via my Instagram @901CoryOwens as I build the dating blueprint and work to provide social-skills resources to enhance the overall dating experience for both traditional and modern relationships.

In the meantime, here are…

So, y’all don’t like The Cheesecake Factory?

🧢, but i got y’all… Here’s my short-list of 50 first-date ideas, separated into categories based on the type of date you’re curating.

• Fancy/Fine:1) Bishop (or any other Andrew Michael location)2) Erling Jensen

  3) Fleming’s

  4) Acre

  5) Capital Grille

  6) Char (or somewhere new to both of you)

 

• Casual, small spaces w drinks:7) Stix downtown (Try my special trio: Memphis in May Roll, Tuna Nachos, Sake Slush) 🔥 and tell Wayne that Cory Owens sent you!8) Memphis Made brewery

  9) Ghost River on Beale

  10) Any upcoming Comedy Show

  11) Hu Rooftop

  12) Central Station Hotel

 

• Fun/playful:13) PutPut / Monster Mini Golf, then Shelby Farms14) Flip Side Pinball bar, then Crosstown Concourse or brewery

  15) Overton square then zoo lights

  16) Main Event or Urban Air

  17) Bricks & Minifigs (buy & build something in the store together that you both can take home, then go have a drink and chat somewhere in the mall)

  18) Birdies ⛳️

 

• Intimate:19) Drive-in w/ car picnic & wine20) Riverside / mud island picnic

  21) a Paint & Sip

  22) Belltower Coffeehouse pottery class

  23) flight or itta bena & a walk down riverside or big river crossing

  24) bass pro shop lookout

 

• Local patio, & you’ve known each-other prior to the first date:25) Loflin Yard26) Carolina Watershed

  27) Ben Yay’s (or any other TANDEM Restaurant Partners location)

  28) Railgarten

  29) Slider Inn downtown

  30) Wiseacre

 

• Collierville:31) New S.O.B.32) Stix (hibachi side)

  33) Highlander or Cafe Piazza (town square)

  34) Mensi’s Dairy Bar (IYKYK)

  35) David Grisanti’s on Main (recently moved from Sheffield antiques mall to town square)

  36) Anywhere but Collierville 😂

 

• Bonus; hear me out if you have good banter/social skills: 37) Chuck-e-cheese (talk about childhood memories)38) chilis (ironic, but talk about dating life)

  39) Malco powerhouse bar (underrated menu. talk about your experience and opinion of Memphis), then walk down South Main

  40) Trolley Night on South Main (make this a group date)

  41) Beck & Call @ 1 Beale rooftop (talk about your social life)

  42) rumba room then Earnestine & Hazel’s if you’re not afraid to dance

 

• My Personal Favorites:43) Momma’s Roadhouse (or any other Packed House Productions location)44) TopGolf (make this a group date or friends of friends)

  45) Any museum with a curation you either have some knowledge about or a gallery curated by someone you know personally. Let your relationship to the owner or curator come as a surprise to her. Key relationships are appropriate for displaying your social status, but be humble and open the floor up for an intentional introduction!

  46) A wine / food-tasting event

  47) The soft / grand-opening of a new restaurant or space. Huge plus if you are friends with the owner(s) and can make an introduction.

  48) Feildaze / Discover Memphis Naturally. Let her pick the event, any event, and tag along experiencing something that peaks her interest. This gives you an opportunity to learn about her interests without having to force an interview-styled conversation. You’ll learn just by doing and she’ll know in advance that she’ll enjoy it. Afterall, it was her choice. Hopefully she’ll choose something that is both outdoorsy and beer-related.

  49) Double-date breakfast at Arcade Restaurant followed by an early walk down Riverside Drive. Much easier to maintain a constant flow of conversation when you have four minds to pull ideas from. Also, a lot less pressure.

  50) Trophy Room in Collierville, then Baskin Robbins for ice cream or your smoothie place of choice (or vice versa).

Want to get access to a much larger list of restaurants you could try? DM me “Bucket List” on Instagram @901CoryOwens and I’ll add you to my dynamic radio-button list of over 100 restaurants to try from Collierville thru to Downtown Memphis!

DM me “Date Notes” to get access to my frequently updated field notes for improving your game and increasing your chances of landing the first, second, third, fourth AND fifth date 😉. (This is a work-in-progress)

And HAVE FUN on your first-date!